As a first time parent, I’m still on a steep learning curve. Every stage of my child’s development is new to me. It’s fascinating watching my son go from helpless baby to spirited toddler in what seems like no time at all. I love being a mum and relish spending time with him. I’m keen to build the bond between us – after an exhausting labour that ended with an unplanned c-section, the tiredness and confusion made it hard to build that ‘special bond’ in those first few precious moments. I was so tired initially, that when I woke the first time after collapsing into a deep sleep, I looked at my husband cradling junior and asked him: ‘where did you get that baby?’(!) In the early days I worried what impact that might have had on the maternal bond, but I needn’t have worried: the two of us are inseparable these days and, at least for now, he’s very much a mummy’s boy.
Before becoming a parent, I didn’t really know what it was going to mean to be one, apart from the most obvious practical issues: new responsibilities, giving up some of my social life and all the new costs involved in raising a family. That little lot was scary enough, but on top of that there was a general sense that sacrifice, worry and weariness would be a big part of the picture. Possibly because my mum has always reminded me that she had it tough raising us four kids on a tight budget when she and my dad both worked long hours. Respect to her for getting us all through childhood and uni, and somehow preserving her sanity!
Anyway, as I find myself wondering what exactly I’m in for, one of the things helping me get a clearer picture is reading the online mums’ forums. One of the things I love about them is the ‘Is it just me, or…’ threads. Started by mums who are dealing with an issue for the first time, they’re a great way to check with the outside world whether your take on an issue is sensible, or if you’re over-reacting. Examples include: ‘is it just me, or should husband be doing more around the house’, ‘is is just me, or should my son’s teacher really be encouraging this sort of behaviour’, and so forth. It’s great to be able to reach out to other mums and check how they’re dealing with issues you’ve never encountered before.
Personally, I’m on standby for a whole raft of new quandaries: at 22 months old, it’s really clear that the tantrums that typify the ‘terrible-twos’ are creeping in when he doesn’t get his own way. So, here come all the issues surrounding discipline and guidance. I haven’t needed to worry about any of that so far. In fact as that little personality starts to manifest itself, I’m suddenly very aware that this is just the beginning of an independent individual’s growth and development, and I’m starting to look ahead to a 16-year timetable of new experiences and challenges.
Recently, I had my first ‘is it just me, or…’ moment. This generation of mums is perhaps more aware of dangers to children than previous generations, because of the heavy media coverage of stories that involve children’s welfare, health and diet. We’re also very aware that keeping children safe is not just about preventing accidental injury or avoiding health risks. There’s also that small possibility that they could come to harm at the hands of a dangerous adult. The experts actually tell us that we’re probably blowing this risk out of all proportion, but you know, as a loving mum it’s hard to be 100% rational about these things. Besides, every single mum reading this knows that her kids are the most beautiful, most precious kids in the world, requiring round the clock vigilance, care and attention. It’s just part of being a mum.
So back to my ‘is it just me, or…’ moment. I took my son to the opening of the new Museum of Scotland recently. It had been closed for refurbishment for three years. As an architect, I wanted to see the building work done to the museum, as a mum I wanted to enjoy the animal world with my little boy. I promised him there would be dinosaurs, and I knew he would be really excited to see them. His dinosaur impression is fierce! It was going to be a fun day out doing something different.
At one point my little boy decided to lie down on the floor, staring up at the exhibits with arms stretched out wide. I was laughing at his eccentricity when something unexpected happened. A gentleman walked up, stood over him and took his picture, then walked quickly away. Initially I wasn’t sure it had actually happened. Then once I’d processed the moment properly, I wondered what I should do about it. I felt a little uneasy about my son’s picture being in the possession of a stranger, but even more bothered by the fact that my permission hadn’t been asked. I decided to go after the chap, and ask him to delete it.
I guess I expected an apology and anticipated that, if a mum took issue with her child being photographed like that, he’d be willing to delete the photograph. I was surprised to discover he was very reluctant to do so, insisting that taking candid shots of kids was a reasonable thing to be doing, and that consulting parents would destroy the spontaneity of it (FWIW: he didn’t strike me as a professional photographer shooting an essay of informal photographs of kids at play, he just seemed like a late middle-aged bloke loitering with a point-and-shoot). I was even more surprised that the museum staff on-hand didn’t seem to care if children were being photographed by strangers either. The whole experience left me shaken because, without support from the museum staff, I had to engage in a fair bit of public confrontation with the stranger to get the issue dealt with. Once it was clear I was going to insist, the photo got deleted.
He really didn’t seem to think that it was unacceptable to take a photo of a young child without their parents’ permission. But what frustrated me more was the fact that the museum staff left me to deal with a difficult situation on my own, even after I had explained my concerns to them. Eventually I spoke to a senior member of the museum staff who was much more understanding, having two young children of his own. He assured me his staff would be made aware of my experience so that they’d handle any future incidents appropriately. I was pretty relieved that finally someone seemed to see my point of view.
So, is it just me, or should strangers check first before photographing our kids? Or at the very least, if they’re trying to capture a fleeting moment before it’s gone, check we’re comfortable about it afterwards? I don’t support some of the over-kill measures reported in the press but I do think that when you’re photographing other people’s kids, it’s polite to check first. I may perhaps have been over-protective, and perhaps I was too ready to interpret the man’s unwillingness to cooperate as indicative of malign intent, but personally I’m glad that I made the stranger delete the photo. I’m pleased that in a situation where I couldn’t be quite sure what the right thing to do was, I erred on the side of looking after my son’s wellbeing, and then acted with conviction.
Hannah Wong
Keep them occupied (and perhaps even nab some prizes) with competitions for kids.